Chapter 20: Searching for Truths

"We each have our own way of living in the world, together are like a symphony. Some are the melody, some are the rhythm, some are the harmony --but it all blends together. Each of us is a part, and each part is crucial. We all contribute to the song of life." - Sondra Williams

Convincing Karl that he should go had been a very difficult job. Zere’maya asked Zassh if she would come along, just to have someone else watching. Zassh was happy to agree.

They rode along, Karl sulking. Few things are more ugly than a sulking dragon.

He hung his head, riding along. Zassh actually lead the way, she had read the maps before they set out, and Karl, though he’d been this way before, didn’t really remember any more than he wanted to go. Zere’maya brought up the rear, feeling magic tingle in her, as if she had had a part of her asleep, novocained, just coming to prickly awareness. It was both painful and delicious.

When they made first camp Zere’maya informed her companions that she was impaired.

“Something has happened – something good. I can’t explain it or tell you why, but though I can’t perform even basic magic I can want to. It’s so wonderful not to be numb, even if I can’t do more, and I think I’m going to get my abilities back. That would be so wonderful.”

“If you were up to full strength what would you do next?” asked Zassh.

Zere’maya smiled. “I would probably turn us right around and head back to Aruin and Inchkin. With normal strength I could take a couple weeks and slowly heal them. I could create just a line of flesh each day, but hair width by hair width I could make first separate girls of them, then complete girls. They live now, but they still have so many limitations. I would be able to make their mother so happy. I can’t do any more for them now without them helping me, and they are just little girls. I can’t persuade them to wish to be apart, so I can’t heal them any further. It would be so wonderful for their mother to stop hating me so. She thinks I’m delaying on purpose, because I don’t like her or something.” said Zere’maya.

Karl thought. “You don’t like their mother?”

“I don’t have to have positive feelings for everyone, though I do what I can. We irritate each other but that is simply not something I would let come between me and people who need healing.” replied Zere’maya.

“That’s like you.” said Zassh, “Reflective, and separating your desires from yourself.” Karl chuckled. Zere’maya scowled.

“Yes.” said Zere’maya definitively. “Ulaanaa annoys me. I wish that she wasn’t around. She pulls out what isn’t Gypsy about me, wakes it up, and pulls on it, worries it like scratching at a wound.”

“At the same time I try not to be annoyed by her. She has never done anything besides respond to my own anger slipping out.” Said Zere’maya.

“Maybe,” said Karl, “she is the person you were brought here to help.”

“It’s possible, and she’s about the last person in the world I would wish to help. That goes well with how the magic usually goes. She was waiting to collect her daughters’ bodies, I think, to make an end of it?” asked Zere’maya.

“She had been beaten by her husband again. She has other children but every time we have swung back around near her settlement she has always come to see her daughters. Her husband has the other children, or she’s left them with others. She doesn’t seem to be the sort of person who would just leave her other children to die.” said Zassh.

“Your mother comes by the caravans too, so the Gypsies tell me.” said Zere’maya. Zassh let out a low whistle.

“This conversation is over.” replied Karl, tight, angry.

Zere’maya looked over to him, riding away. “I don’t remember much about my mother. I remember my father telling me to be compassionate with her. She felt she was cursed. Given by nature small gifts, minor in status, a woman who hated her mother cursed her with great beauty so that her gifts would forever be unseen, all people blinded by beauty until she would fall, as all women do, from grace, falling through time. To be given so little and even that little to remain forever unappreciated, unseen.”

“Maybe she would have liked it here, in this world where women marry each other.” said Karl. Zassh laughed.

“Women are meaner to each other about beauty issues than men are to women,” said Zassh. “Men will discount you, but if you are nice to them they come around.”

“That’s how men are. They will meet, fight like a pair of dogs, then go off best buddies to the bar, battered, bleeding, trenchbuddies – even though they were fighting against each other.” said Zere’maya. “That whole wartime companion thing. Women look at the situation differently.”

“True.” said Zassh. “I think that’s one of the reasons why we spend more time in the big cities, nearer the temples than out in the backwoods where the people are heterosocial.”

Zere’maya laughed. ”Didn’t think you knew that word.”

Zassh made a face. “We are living here, we have to have ways of describing and teaching about the world around us. We Romany are homosocial – once we are no longer children we take either the man’s way or the woman’s way – adult life for a Gypsy man or a Gypsy woman is respected, but our spheres do not meet often. Women are women’s friends, men are men’s friends. Some jobs are men’s jobs, some are women’s jobs. It’s the same in the major towns and cities here. Only everyone is female.” announced Zassh smugly.

“Everyone desires for and identifies with women, true.” said Zere’maya. “Where and when I was when I was your age ‘person’ did tend to mean ‘man’. Have you ever seen movies?” she asked. Both Zassh and Karl looked offended.

“Certainly.” said Karl.



“Then you’ve seen Casablanca, maybe?” asked Zere’maya. One of the truest facts about space is that radio signals travel, and somewhere, out there, if people can catch them and view them they must be very, very confused.

“Sure.” said Karl. Zassh stuck out her tongue at him.

“In a world turned upside down, where the once very powerful are now servants Rick is charismatic enough to be running a thriving casino and bar from a standing start a year and a half back. Nazis are all over the place and society is in shambles, simply not starving is a complex task. There’s a couple, three women, but the men pretty much define how everyone relates to everyone else. At the end of the movie everyone is pretty much relating to Victor – living through him.”

The horses clopped, clopped clopped down the path.

“It’s been a long time since you’ve watched that movie, huh.” said Karl.

“Karl!” reprimanded Zassh. Karl slumped. Zere’maya could feel his sulk deepening even from behind.

“I was a little bit older than Karl, I think.” confirmed Zere’maya. “That was a very, very long time ago. But I feel close to that time in my life, riding here with you.”

“Just how long ago was that?” asked Karl.

Zere’maya cleared her throat tried to think. “That’s not an easy question to answer. Any answer is a lie.”

“All right, then, tell us your three most favorite lies.” said Zassh.

“Lie number one – I’m immortal, for all practical purposes. As long as I don’t leave my two homeworlds my existence is the repetition of a single day. I have never counted those days. What would be the point? Lie number two – I’m in my midforties, somewhere. I was eighteen when I left Earth, and have spent enough days in the service of magic to have lived just a little longer than half my life in the stars, half on Earth. Jaqueline has spent a lot less time off-world, so though I was a lot younger than her, I’ve passed her, I’m older than she is now.”

“Oh, that’s so strange!” said Zassh.

“Tell me about it. One time someone who didn’t want me meddling in magic came to our world and killed us. Midafternoon, we were fine. Just got up and went after him. Once stopped home with a broken leg, that was stupid, and of course for a while was pregnant there. Same day different story. Had to leave home to have our baby.” said Zere’maya.

”No, I mean getting older than your sweetheart!” said Zassh and Karl together.

“That’s not as strange as all that. People can grow older for all kinds of reasons, and a lot of women grow up when their husbands stay younghearted. Or some other way. That much is the same all over.”

“You know what’s different about spending time with you two?” asked Zere’maya. “Most people ask ‘If you could live forever as long as you stay on Ora or Thea, what would you ever want enough to leave?’”

Zassh and Karl laughed. “No one could be tha~~at stupid!”

The party rode on quietly, up the mountain where Karl had come from, long ago.

“Zere’maya?” asked Karl. “I want to ask you something.”

Zere’maya nodded. “It had seemed like I didn’t have anything wise to offer you any more.” she chided.

“Quit that. I’m serious. We’re married for love, but I know that you will go back there – out there – someday. I want something of you.” said Karl.

“What do you have that you need?” asked Zere’maya, surprised.

“I don’t have a name. Not a real name. ‘this is my dragon – Karl.’ It doesn’t even work for what I am. It doesn’t work as a Gypsy man either. I don’t have a mother and father to name me and Mother Faa says she has no name to give me, though she has been looking for a proper name for me ever since I showed up, crying and dirty. Do you have a name to give me?” he asked earnestly. Zassh looked over at him, pleased and nodded her approval.

Zere’maya blushed, looked down, riding along.

“Well?”

“I have named you, in my own daydreams. In my dreams.” The horses clodded along as she breathed in, gathered her thoughts. “When I was very small some of my mother’s family would visit us, even though she had landed, married a local man, was trying so hard not to be a gypsy any more.” Zere’maya breathed again.

“Balint. Her big brother. She looked so happy in his arms, he loved his little sister and he loved me so. I looked to him, strong and beautiful. Our good serpent --- wise and powerful. A great shaman of our people, much later, when I found him searching for my mother, trying to get answers. He would not tell me which of the women they identified as my mother was his sister – he stated that they were all his little sisters. I didn’t understand.” Zere’maya cleared her throat.

“We parted with hard words. On my part. I was so young --- I’ve relived those words and his love over my lifetime wishing that I could clear my offense to him. He told me that there was no offense, I was speaking as a little chaya, a wounded child. I intended offense. I thought for what he was doing, what he had done if I had the power I would have later I would have hit him with all my strength. I did not have that strength so I used all I did have. In the struggle I was cut on the hand – I still have the scar.” She opened her hand, indicating the fine line down her little finger.

“No matter what major healing work has been done to me I’ve kept that as a reminder to rein my temper.

“Not that only bad things I remember of Balint. He loved hazelnut soup. My mother used to make it every time he came, and I went through trouble like you wouldn’t believe to find hazels to plant on my home out there, somewhere.” She gestured. “And he told me legends, and no matter how far I’ve traveled or how long I know my uncle Balint loved me. I doubted that my mother did – sometimes I wondered if she thought of me even while she still stayed with me and my father – but I always was Balint’s darling and he was mine.

Karl rode along with a grin on his face. “That suits me. I’ll be your uncle. I’ll marry Zassh as Balint, first of the Dragon Gypsies.”

“Not the first.” Zere’maya said deadpan. The other two fell into hysterics.

“Laugh if you please. Sometime out there is a planet where I can be dragon-kind, I’ll invite you there and we can find out who makes the scalier. I hope you can stand to share Zassh dear.” She finished in a syrupy, prim voice.

Zassh removed a glove and transformed first a finger, then her whole hand up to her sleeve into blue fire. She extinguished as quickly, regloved, and rode on.

“M’mmmm.” said Zere’maya surprised. “You didn’t even spook your horse. You’ve been meditating, I approve.”

The look on Karl’s face flashed from arousal to shame and embarrassment. He could see understanding in Zere’maya’s eyes.

“I’m so, so sorry, Zere’maya.” he whispered. Zere’maya held out a hand.

“I’ve known. We have always known. We did want to know when you intended to let either one of us know.” said Zere’maya.

It was Karl’s time to be embarrassed. His face turned bright red and he buried his face in his horses’ mane.

“Mother Faa made him pay the price to know,” said Zassh. “To not end his days until he spoke to the dragons as an adult, not a child.”

“I think I’d take the dragons before I had to ride off with the two women I was romancing, who I thought didn’t know, who always knew.” replied Zere’maya.

“I’d almost rather stay with the dragons than have the conversations he’s going to be having.” said Zassh. Zere’maya nodded.

Both women were thinking, serves him right.

“He could have said no to Mother Faa you know.” said Zassh. Zere’maya knew she was talking about this journey.

“He’s not good at that yet.” said Zere’maya.

“H’mmmph..” said Zassh.

“What do men talk about? You know, when they are alone with each other or working together, when women aren’t around?” asked Zassh.

“I’m sure I don’t know.” said Zere’maya.

“They talk about women, and animals, and gossip. Sometimes they punch each other. What do you think we are, animals? Don’t you think I can hear you?!” grumbled Karl.

Zassh felt relief – if he could complain he must be starting to feel better.

“Well, even if a court full of dragons can’t hurt him, and almost certainly they can’t – what do we plan to do?” asked Zassh.

“Well, the worst they can do is kill me. Anything they do to me will affect that sick bookmark the Alleilaians made, which would almost be worth it if they did. You’re chock-full of magic and inclined to make shit up as you go along, just like I always have.”

“Trained by the best.” said Zassh. She made a very rude expression.

“Ooh, all lips no tongue!” said Zere’maya.

“O.K., stop. It’s weird enough we have both shared Karl. I don’t want to go there. I officially don’t want to go there.”

“Why?” asked Karl. The women made one face. Zassh turned back to Zere’maya.

“Why don’t you want to go there?” asked Zassh. Karl groaned.

“Because I can’t confuse you for another tall, dark beautiful woman, whom I don’t love – it’s more than that. It used to be love but now it’s so much beyond anything like that. One woman isn’t the same as another. I belong, I’m part of Jaqueline.” She nodded to Karl.

“I have done what Magic needed. I’m heterocurious enough to partake, and he really, really was lonely, needed a friend, needed a friend in and on him, and we have always known he won’t be lonely any more – and fairly soon. I don’t know how we’ll part but the ending is part of what makes our bond good. You and me – you’d just be exploring the limits of your own heart, body, and loyalties.”

There was a long pause. Zassh cocked her head. “It would be such an attractive thing to do though. You’re so tiny and round, I’m so long and dark.”

“That’s it! Enough! I’ve learned something on this trip, I don’t need to go any further for wisdom. It’s painful to ride horseback with an erection. It’s far worse than just hurting when the women you are two-timing sit and talk about it in front of you instead of fight it out like is supposed to happen. Arrrggghh!” said Karl. The women turned and looked at him. “Did we bring sauce? Keep it up and I’ll want to feed myself to the dragons rather than come home between you two!” Karl made a sound of disgust.

They walked along, up and up the mountain. Normally the people who worked here flew in and out; access was a tough climb for even agile Rom ponies. The people found the climb harder and more tiresome as they went, but it was also obvious that other people regularly walked up.

Eventually they reached a long, flat face where they could stall their horses and rest. Zere’maya walked forward.

“I think this is the cliff they threw you off, trying to kill you.” she said.

Zassh perked up. “You mean we’re here?”

“Yes, something magical went over the edge. Even after all these years you can see the traces, like blood on the rocks. Way down there is where we started, where a small child might have bounced to.” said Zere’maya. She put a hand on Karl, and the marks caught fire, glowing against the dark rocks. Zassh looked at her.

“Evil people. Even if they knew I couldn’t be hurt throwing a small child down a rock is heartless. Why would I be leaking my magic, though?” asked Karl.

“That’s something to think about. All the time I’ve known you it’s part of you – an organ like an eye. The only time this much raw magic would be expressed would be if it was being applied from without – a very strong dye job, working itself in over time – hey look!”

The three peered down the cliff as the marks worked their way up, following each other in a line to Zere’maya’s hand.

“Ooooh, should I let those things get inside me?” Karl had pulled away. Zassh shrugged.

“Take what you bring, leave no trace. You now generate that magic from inside yourself. A little bit more you might not even feel, but if it stays out here it can turn sour, lonely for a life form. Anything with a heartbeat could be chosen and work merry hob on it. It’s the responsible thing to do.” said Zassh. Karl thought about it.

“So that magic has been out exposed to the elements and lonely all this time?” He moved Zere’maya’s hand aside and set his own.

The marks were no longer flat – they were three dimensional, like gleaming metal.

“Shiiiiiit!” said Zere’maya. All right then – each of the streaks of magic ran up Karl’s arm and vanished. “Welcome back, guys.” He turned to the two women.
“Are there any more pools of orphan magic, pools of – me?” he asked. Zere’maya and Zassh linked hands with both of them touching the rock, both of them touching Karl.

Karl felt more than heard a deep sound, more like a vibration.

“Any magic that is 100% still like you, unchanged by any other being or by being used will know where we are and will come home to us.” said Zassh. “And remind me not to touch you accidentally. That was pure nasty – like grabbing an ungrounded wire.”

“It would be.” said Zere’maya. “I’m not trained to use Gypsy magic, what I do is not compatible. It’s just plain wrong for you. I’ve got some use just because I’m me and more because of what I’ve learned here but we aren’t tapping the same sources in the same way. When I was enchanted by the Gypsy men I was struck horribly sick – it didn’t suit me at all. I can drain Karl – but even though that’s the same kind of magic I use it’s still not exactly what I run on. Jaqueline’s completely nonmagical – she can’t take or give me power. It’s a real benefit to us.”

Zassh and Karl looked at each other.

“Okay, folks, I’ve heard of kabalistic magic before. Double snaps and a Happy Meal prize for both of you. Can’t you feel it? The mountain calling to us? Don’t let anything break the power of three. Karl, you can’t use your magic but you’re the reason we’re here. I’m badly hurt – inside. I’d have boiled away a long time before reaching this point without continually drawing on you. And you, Zassh – this is your world. We need your witness. And you, as a just beginning magic user should see this. Your coming out party up this mountain, possibly.”

“Besides which ---“ breathed Karl, “It wants us. It can feel two dragons. I don’t think it can feel you coming at all, Zassh.”

“Yeah, it does.” breathed Zere’maya. “Doesn’t that feel ---- wonderful?” She looked at Karl.

“Can you give her a taste?” asked Zere’maya. Karl took Zassh’s hand. Her eyes flew open.

“It’s like I’ve been soaking wet – and just stepped into hot water, over my head.” said Zassh.

“Warm to the bone. When you’ve been cold for so long you can’t remember being warm. That’s a good way to describe it.” said Zere’maya.

“I just did my first magic.” said Karl. “Was I good?”

“With Zassh’s help and the mountain, you just might be able to use your potential.” Said Zere’maya. “Dragons are meant to be magical. It’s got to have been horrible for you.”

“I don’t remember anything to compare this to. This is – natural.” said Karl.

“Well put.” said Zassh. “Is it good for him?” she asked Zere’maya.

“I have no idea. It’s too late now, we two are going up.“ said Zere’maya definitively.